As I was driving home from my mom and dad’s from my weekly visit a few weeks ago, I was driving leisurely behind a pickup enjoying the journey through the winding roads and bluffs heading down the hill toward the beautiful Gasconade River when a black SUV drove up behind me and rode right on my tailgate totally interrupting my special, tranquil moment. Before I knew what was happening, I stuck my hand out the window and waved a Hawaiian “hang loose” hand signal to him to let him know that I was not happy about him invading my personal space. I DO NOT know where that came from. I have never even waved the “hang loose” sign even while visiting in Hawaii and here’s the really sad part—as I was bringing my hand in the window, I thought—I hope he doesn’t think that I am saying “I love you” in sign language. Before I even got that bubble thought out of my brain, I believe that I heard the voice of God speak to me, saying—“YOU need to hang loose, Annette”.
I immediately had a mental picture—I am pretty sure that it was only a mental picture and not a vision considering the heathen state that I was in—of God in a Hawaiian shirt waving the hang loose sign at me. I knew that His one sentence admonishment was not just about my losing my temper at the tailgater, but it was in reference to my behavior earlier that morning.
I had spent the first forty-five minutes of my drive to my mom and dad’s that morning venting to my husband about the injustices of my life and then spent the last forty-five minutes of my drive feeling guilty for my attitude in the wake of the Joplin
I called my husband the next morning to apologize for my discouraging behavior, though not directed at him, yet still discouraging. He questioned me about my emotional state and I shared with him my frustration over not having any flowers or garden put out, the house projects being incomplete, the garage being a mess and just feeling like life was chaos and I don’t do chaos well. He asked me why things were in such chaos and I said, “Because I’m incompetent”. He suggested to me that the reason things were chaotic were because I had made choices to do things that were more important rather than lesser things that make me feel good.
He was right. I had chosen kingdom things over worldly things, but it still made me feel uncomfortable. I felt uncomfortable when people talked about getting their gardens out and their new landscaping adventures, I felt uncomfortable when people were getting their lives more organized while I was not getting anywhere. I like visible stuff—I’m a visual person, but sometimes doing God’s work is uncomfortable and visually it isn’t pretty.
A few days later, I read in Ephesians 1:18: “I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has call you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints”. That was it—I needed the eyes of my heart opened to “see” the riches of my inheritance for choosing the kingdom things over lesser things, because their eternal beauty is prettier than any garden, flowers, or organized garage.
The understanding I gained was this—sometimes when I am in the moment and I make choices to lay down my life for things that are more important in the kingdom than my personal life, it feels right and I sense the joy of knowing that I sacrificed for a greater cause, it is a secret between God and me which draws me into a deeper intimacy that is rewarding. The problem is that later when the cost of the choice I made becomes evident, I become discouraged. When I can’t get my car in the garage and there are no organic fruits to partake of from my garden or I have the ugliest yard on the block, this is when my faith waivers.
So I have created a plan of action—not that my plans always work, but at least I have one. My plan is to pray the Ephesians verse when I am feeling discontentment over decisions that I made that were right, but have cost me something that makes me uncomfortable and the discomfort has taken me down the path of discouragement. I will pray that the eyes of my heart will be opened so that I can see the beauty of my eternal inheritance and that I will know the hope that He has called me. I will try to fantasize about eternal things which are a true reality though not easily comprehended and hang loose till they materialize for eternity not just one summer.
“However, as it is written, No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind conceived what God has prepared for those who love him—But God has revealed it to us by his Spirit. The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God.” 1 Corinthians 3:8-10
